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Love's Defiance

I stand in open defiance
of the covetous beasts
for no wanton obsession
can harm me
Oh, they can try to tear me down
with their simple minded words
but my pen is my sword
and I benchpress MY verbs
with the skill of a Master
and the wisdom enough to hold back
before I harm the haughty
and self righteous fools
with my own carefully crafted smack
For I realize with some pity
that I possess what they lack
The control of my emotions
my mind...
and my tact.
They can bare their teeth
and growl and seethe
waiting to pounce with glee
and viciously attack what they 'think' they see
But in this blind and mindless rage
Their vacuous truth is revealed
the HATRED that burns is in THEIR hearts
but the LOVE inside MINE is real.

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Just a Couple of Words

So interesting how quickly

just a couple of words

a mere pittance, really

once uttered, unfurled

can blindside with a pugilist’s speed

How they cut into a heart

like a heated blade

rip a mood from the light

and force it back in the shade

they're just a couple of words

so what harm can they do?

but once they are revealed

ah, calamity ensues...

for when faced with the truth,

there’s no place to hide

and thus returns all the fears

that cause the spirit inside

to stumble back once again

into the solace

of the wounded abyss for a while

My Words

if I don't tell you what I'm thinking
then you will never know
so I refuse to apologize
for letting my feelings show
I'm tired of being restless
it's time to let it go
because this is my life
this is my heart
this is my air I'm breathing
it's time to start freeing
my words

Somewhere down the line
I forgot to speak my mind
I lost the will to tell you how I feel
Always was my reputation
to give blunt alliteration
don't know why I stopped being myself
but this is my life
and this is my heart
this is my air I'm breathing
and it's time to start freeing
my words

You can take it now or leave it
I don't care if you don't need it
I've been the one taking the hits
for far too long
I've got the strength to smash it down
and I don't care if I am wrong
because this is my life
this is my heart
this is my air I'm breathing
it's time to start freeing
my words

And I'm not sorry if it hurts
because you hurt me oh so well
Every day I walk this path 
and you send me through your hell
So no more of this silence
It does me no good to be quiet
because this is my life
this is my heart
this is my air I'm breathing
it's time to start freeing
my words

I'm laughing now baby
Can you feel what I'm saying
I broke free of this gilded cage
I've been hating
Why should I pretend that it's all good
When this is how I'm feeling
my heart is mine
my life is mine
and you'll take it all in your due time
because you can't tame me
and you can't blame me 
No more wanting to say what I'm finally saying
I'm free

because this is my life
this is my heart
this is my air I'm breathing
it's time to start freeing
my words

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This Journey

This path I have walked
this journey
was a school of life
a classroom for learning
from the first tentative step
until I stretched these wings and leapt
I have savored every moment
and for this knowledge, I am blessed
I began this adventure 
as a fraction of me
and ended consummate in eternity
In my discovery
of the soul that is mine
rejoicing in the belief of the divine
in all of us.
And in this strange sojourn,
this dream I have dreamed
was the answer I sought
when alone and bereft
looking only at the past
and seeing nothing left
I questioned God, why?
What is my purpose here?
How do I loose these chains of fear?
and He beckoned,
"Come here."
and naively I was unprepared
for the process of deconstruction
of the masks I used to wear
but I followed my heart
without a care
and in every moment of darkness
when I thought, how can this be?
He was there as the light
inside of me
tearing down these walls of fear
so I could be free

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Empathy

  Empathy is often confused with sympathy.  But they are two entirely different things.  When one sympathizes with a person, they feel pity or sorrow for their situation.  Empathy on the other hand is an effort to put ones self into another persons shoes.  It is a concerted attempt to understand a thing and share the thoughts and emotions that arise from it.

    When we empathise with each other, we share our strength and solidarity.  It is a way of saying, as Michael Jackson did in his famous song, "You are not alone, for I am here with you."  If a person feeling an emotion, we can show this special way of caring, and this is an important part of who we are, and marks the uniqueness of the human spirit. In this sharing, we can combine our strength and use it to lift each other up.

    Empathy is not limited to just person to person.  It is something we share with animals and the earth itself.  We can share this with societies, religions, and social ideas and values.  It is a force we can use for change.  Because when we excercise our ability to empathize, we share our combined knowledge.  And knowledge is power.

    The key to healing the world is by understanding it.  By seeking out people, places, and things that are different from what we are accustomed to, we expand our minds and create for ourselves a library of resources for how we view the world, each other, and our own lives in general.  When we begin to understand that which we previously did not, we loose the fear we have of the unknown.  Hate is an emotion born of fear, so when we empathise and use our amazing minds to absorb and truly understand the why's and how's of each other, we can begin to resonate a unity that can only be found through this learning process. And in doing so, confusion and discord can be replaced by harmony.

    At the root of all empathy, is love.  And love knows no boundaries.  It crosses all barriers of race, gender, social status, age, and political affliation.  When we practice empathy, we are practicing the gospel of love, and as we all fundamentally know as human beings- "Love is all we need."

"Like the old indian proverb says, Do not judge a man until you've walked 2 moons in his moccasins." - Michael Joseph Jackson, King of Pop

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Words

  My life has been a poem. A conglomeration of words and phrases, some formed in moments of delight, and others inked in tragedy. In the end, they are all me. These words are both audible and visual to me and are swirling in my head at all times.  Permeating my thoughts, forming the visualization for my emotions.  They are tangible building blocks of my DNA;  the solid matter that is the essence of who I am.

  From the early days of my childhood I could see the power of words and their meanings.  The way they can be used to soothe like a mother to a child.  The way they can be used to entertain in the form of a joke, a screenplay, or a song.  The way they can cut into our hearts like the sharpest blades when we fight with each other. With wide eyes I watched and learned the way they can be bent and shaped and combined to create any number of ideas.  And those ideas become our reality.

  Words are power.  They inspire and drive us to become the best of what we are.  Conversely they can be used to harm and tear asunder all that we have created.  The sounds that our lungs and vocal chords and mouths create to form these words become vibrations.  And the energy within those vibrations reverberates and touches all that we come in contact with...and all that those people and things come in contact with.

  A wise man once wrote, that the pen is mightier than the sword.  This is very true.  And I encourage everyone to consider this idea when they choose to speak, or choose to write.  Because when we take the time to write something positive...that is the force we send out into the universe.  When we write or say something negative, the same is true.  We reap what we sow.  So what do you want for those around you and your future?  Let the power of your words decide.

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Awakening

we are awakening
slowly remembering
the center of our gravity
is changing
we're lifting up
all that was underground
the conciousness we sense
is now becoming one

we are harmony
unchained melody
if we embrace the change
we can transform the scene
the time for chasing the past
has turned to shaping our future
for every time is now

no more holding back
thinking of what we lack
we can see the outcome 
and make it fact
our thoughts become
the reality
what we are is what we see
what do you see?
do you see me?
like I see you...
like I feel too?

we are community
we are discovery
love is the essence of
the power that is 'We'
we can change the vibrations
and reclaim our nations
build it up, don't shake it down
the time is now

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Nothing

nothing that I want to do
nothing that I want to say
I've eaten a piece of nothing pie
no calories, so that's ok
there's nothing on the tv
and no one on the phone
nothing to do but sit here and stew
in my thoughts, in my boredom
this is nothing new

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'Til You Believe

When the truth hurts
and you're feeling sad
when life has cut you down
and everything is bad
don't cry
don't feel ashamed
pick up the fallen pieces
put it back together again
you can do it
because I'm with you
I won't let you give it up that easy
I'm stayin here 'til you believe you can

When you feel lost
I'm behind you
you don't need to run away
because I'll find you
don't hide
don't be afraid
just take my hand, we're leaving
we will seek a better place
you can do it
because I'm with you
I won't let you go away that easy
I'm stayin here 'til you believe I am

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Steel

A supple and seductive skin of steel
and a galvanized iron will
is the adornment I shall choose
for my tailored customization

And it is a most feminine determination
behind my positive self motivation
for I decide what I am
and what I shall achieve

I am the bird who sings my phrases
I am the poet who pens the pages
and not the distraction and detraction
of my foes alliterations

These sly skeptics may claim she's this, or that
with a cunningly calculated attack
but this control they seek to achieve
is a fantasy they cannot make me believe

No, like a maelstrom, I master the turbulent tides
Crossing the glossy distance with my feminine strides
and in my womanly truth, my force is revealed
as I fearlessly I weild my strength as my shield

Embracing both the vulnerable and the brave in me
I weave together the completion of my humanity
Yes, like a man, I the sprightly warrior strike
and with a wink, I kiss goodbye the obstacles of life!

For I am a goddess made of steel
and I forge the woman that is real.

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Leap of Faith

He woke me up one morning
said it’s time to go
I didn't wait pack my bags or nothin’
just followed him out the door

I told him I was tired
asked him where we goin'
he looked at me and smiled back
just trust me girl, let's roll

I took the leap right then
the leap of faith
made a decision and took off
without a minute to waste
I took a chance on trust
hoped it wouldn’t haunt me
it’s all or nothin’ not lookin’ back
look me up check it out can’t you see
I’m free

I dropped a coin and read it
when it landed on my hand
I didn't like the side up that it gave me
But heads or tails don't tell me if I can

If money is the answer
then the question is a joke
so I tossed the coin into a well
decided that I'd choose both

I took the leap right then
the leap of faith
made a decision and took off
without a minute to waste
I took a chance on trust
hoped it wouldn’t haunt me
it’s all or nothin’ not lookin’ back
look me up check it out can’t you see
I’m free

wasted minutes
empty hours
they cost you nothing
but that's the problem
if you don't start then
you never get there
I've been stagnant and it's time to take
a leap of faith

I fell asleep on Friday
woke up on a Monday
Wondered where the weekend had gone
when I put the coffee on

then I realized that
I spent the days all dreamin’
opened my eyes up awake now
Time to get this show on the road

I took the leap right then
the leap of faith
made a decision and took off
without a minute to waste
I took a chance on trust
hoped it wouldn’t haunt me
it’s all or nothin’ not lookin’ back
look me up check it out can’t you see
I’m free

I’m free

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Between Me and Believing

Stronger
Is this a word that I don’t know?
Is it the light that makes me glow?
Can I ignite what isn't so?
I’m asking God and me
What must I do to move my feet?

I see the ocean waves and
they call out to me
"Put a toe in in child..."
I know I can
but here I stand

up against the wall between me
and believing

You're stronger He says
...am I stronger?
What shall I do to make it right?
Put up my dukes and give a fight?
Should I force down the fear
pretend it really isn't here?

I see the ocean waves and
they call out to me
"Put a toe in in child..."
I know I can
but here I stand

up against the wall between me
and believing

How do I dance this dance?
make myself take this chance
Oh God I need the answers
I'm standing at this precipice
but I haven't got a plan for this

Do I just jump right in?
What if I cannot swim?
I ask myself, "Does it really matter?"
Then inside I hear the answer!

If I falter...
I shall grow gills and breathe the water!

Stronger
My will is stronger
I search within for recklessness
the will that led me to excess
I've got to reach inside
and free transform it
focus, reshape - and not ignore it
This is the gift I have
This is the best in me
My blessed impulsivity
the curse the pain the risk in me
I've got to use it for this test
Dig down and wield my fearlessness

I see the ocean waves and
they call out to me
"Put a toe in in child..."
I know I can
leap without a plan

So I jump in
and my light inside is bright tonight
Because I'm stronger...

than the wall that stood between me
and believing

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Surfacing

the water is being tread
as I inch toward the light
I leave behind dread
with all of my might
I kick to the welcoming air
reaching, beseeching
can I make it?
I am believing
the sky is above and it beckons
I am heeding the call
I am surfacing
To the air, to the light
to my purpose, 
with my will I take flight
if I push down with my feet
all the sadness beneath me
I will float to the top
I can swim I'm believing
I am surfacing
To the air, to the light
to my life.

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The Open Door

Within the silence
I find my solace
my thoughts are spinning
the veil is lifting
I see the light before me
and it is clear
The open door is here.
The sign is now revealed
I breathe it in
embrace the change
I see the path now rearranged
So I pack my bags
with what I've learned
and saved for me
As I grasp the knob 
and turn it
a smile designs my face
charming, bitersweet with grace
No, I will not shed a tear
God has spoken
and the open door is here.

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One Hello

Hello to the world
Ive got something to say
not sure how it will come out
but I'll say it anyway
in the heart of my frustration
in the beat in my chest
I say screw all you people
you should know I love me best
I give and you take
I love and you forsake
So fuck all this bullshit
its time to recreate
the me that is divine
the forever I am inside
endless greatness I try to hide
from the cold insipid masses
and their jealous green 
fake and painted eyelashes
I cant stand static people
stagnant crazy cult gossip mongers
who throw out their morals
when the tabloids hit the stand
I'll be moving on
and you'll be talking to my hand

With You

Where is the strength I need
To reverse this cycle
of the endless dream
the escape of my will
Where is the answer
to stimulate my mind
and muscle fiber
to unwind
call it to awaken
and end this paralysation
To push with anguish
and determination
this heaviness in my chest
the cause of my unrest
and forever force it out of me
so that I can be clean of it
I search for the remedy
to this misery
So that I can start anew
and walk the steps of a life
That does not begin
and end
With you

The Whisper

I hear the whisper
The power within me
The child alive
in the older world-wise

The call to arms
anguished and pained
but still there through it all
dormant once, yet unchanged

It says, Let me out!
I'm still here, I remain!
so I beg it
speak louder to me once again

Let me live, set me free
give me will to 'become'
let the final field
of this battle be won

A war over fear
ancient hurt and guilt gained
destruction of self
oh, the price I have paid

I implore the small whisper
please crescendo to shout
let me tear asunder this enemy- doubt
Let me cry out!

I stand my ground. Behold!
my triumph, my roar
victorious survivor
defeated no more


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See With The Heart

 

to see with the heart
one must open the mind
change beliefs within self
that we are confined
release our tight grasp
upon upon what we've been told
because love is not something
to be bought or sold
for it is what we are
what we all can achieve
if we live inside love
we set ourselves free


in the open

baby, I'm out in the open
I'm here now,
but my love's unspoken
I'm too shy to say it
but I cannot save it
...It bleeds from my skin
because where we first met
is where I begin
and I love you
with all that I am
it doesnt make any sense
I only know that I can...
so what if I said I need you
and what if I told you
that I breathe your air
and what if I said
that I need you there
for me?
there for me...
and what will I do
If you just won't listen
tell me how can I dance
if you can't feel my rythm?
and what will I know
If you can't understand?
can I hold on anyway
If you wont take my hand?
and baby tell me how'
I can go on from right now
If I find out
that you just don't care?
are my fears justified
or would you really be there?
See, all I am inside
is the love I can not hide
So would watching leave
make me just want to die?
Would not having you there
be a feeling I can't bear?
what if if I say I need you
and you really can't be there?
or if I do this...
would I make you fear me?
not come near me...
hate, regret me?
try hard to forget me?
when all I want to do
is to love you...

My Love Needs No Dots Inbetween


My love
Needs no catch phrase
Requires no dots in between
No selling point to make it better
I give it away for free

My Love
Needs no marketing plan
Or grandiose subversive schemes
My L.O.V.E. is REAL and it exists
No dots should be placed in between

My Love
Is a child, the heart of me
Whispering softly, clinging tight
Kissing me once, then twice more
Saying "Mommy, Goodnight"

My Love
Is a temple, built strong
Lies cannot touch it, no rises above them
So copy my words- I will not fear
Share them with all...because they are truth, they are LOVE.

Love is HERE.

My Love
Is built on joy
Not disharmonic practices
I walk the talk, I am the words I say
Im not built upon, riddles, rumor and belittling
I am truth, and Love lives HERE today.

My love
Is vibrant with passion
It does not look for the bad in you...it seeks the better
I can't love one tomorrow, this one today.
Another so long as you do what I say
I love all of you...all the time.  Even when you hurt me.

This is what family does.

My love
It is real. 
And I don't need to defend it.
Or place dots in between it...to make it more acceptable.
I don't need a golden man to profess it
Because it is IN ME ....I am blessed!
It is in my soul.  And I know what love is.
It is my unbreakable heart.  It is in my truth. 
My consistency. My steadfast adherence.
In my wide open eyes
That can see ...can see truth inside lies.
I see how we behave, and this is NOT what love is.
This is duplicitious secret telling...willful meddling...it's not love...
The love is inside of me.
Can you hear me?
CAN YOU HEAR LOVE SPEAK?
Believe me or don't....I can't make you see.
It is what is real
Not imaginary pixels on computer screen.

I ain't crazy.  I just see thru to the truth and the heart of each of you.
And I love you still, all the more.

COPY MY WORDS AND SHARE THEM.

XEN HAS SPOKEN.

Michael Jackson, was often called a liar.  Crazy.  A monster underneath the bed.  Not believed.  He was innocent.  But surrounded by a world of people who looked to use him.  Think about that. 

Then lable me crazy.


The Ocean

I am the ocean
the force of the tide
unstoppable
endless
revolving
relentless
tempestuous
inescapable
dangerous
irreplaceable
but soothing
and gentle
mighty
and dreadful
necessary for growth
bringing change
molding the landscape
carving it away
I command the moon
I color the skies
bring down mighty sailors
and their foolish pride
then I rock them to sleep
with my motion
with song
with loving sway
I am the calm
and the the unexpected storm
That was here all along.

I Bring The Crazy


Jumping and bumping
Is what I did
In a world
full of dreamers
And big time thinkers
Paranoia bleeders
Manipulation seethers
Happy-go-lucky's
And bringers of joy
Guys who play children
Girls who play boys
Starry eyed lovers
And blazing eyed haters
Angels of Mercy
Hell fire makers
Bullies with power
And victims galore
I loved it all
I hated it more
Dancing and dreaming
I hoped without fear
Got crushed
Rose again
Thinking I belong here
I clung to the friendship
Of a kindhearted man
Trying with earnest
To be what I am
Finding out
That my noise
Is more than they can stand
I stirred up storms
With my laughter
My tears
My beliefs and my ideas
And silent time fears
My art and my talent
My push come to shove
My wisdom, my wit
or complete lack thereof
I cried out, accept me!
With my loud crazy voice
But all I am is trouble
So do I have any
Other choice?
Must I go?
Can I stay?
I don't see a way
Not today
Not today...
 


Will I be forgiven?

Alanis Morrisette
"Forgiven"

You know how us Catholic girls can be
We make up for so much time a little too late
I never forgot it, confusing as it was
No fun with no guilt feelings
The sinners, the saviors, the loverless priests
I'll see you next Sunday

We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

I sang Alleluia in the choir
I confessed my darkest deeds to an envious man
My brothers they never went blind for what they did
But I may as well have
In the name of the Father, the Skeptic and the Son
I had one more stupid question

We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

What I learned I rejected but I believe again
I will suffer the consequence of this inquisition
If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven
We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

We all had delusions in our head
We all had our minds made up for us
We had to believe in something
So we did


courage of my convictions

Haughty Talk
Destroying Words
You think you have my summation
But they are only verbs
You havent lived my life
Nobody has breathed my air
You don't know what the truth really is
Unless you were actually there
They don't know me
...and I boy, can see
With open eyes, knowledge, belief
The ulterior motives
That lie underneath
Arrogance
Is an ugly thing
And breaking my trust is worse, my friend
Crossing my line
Makes a hurtle, it's true
Show me I'm worth anything
Make me forgive now
Time to follow through
Don't play these games
I know them all
I was jaded
But you pursuaded
Me to rise above the fall
Don't give me 'anyway'
GIVE ME BECAUSE
Don't make me feel unworthy
of being loved
If you ever knew me
If you think you know me
Own what you said
Not these secondhand tales in your head
Not these lost souls who fill it
With error and dread
The lie becomes the truth.
Now, I'm going to bed.

The Dreamer


Sleep, precious solace
where I long to be
place where my dreams
transform to reality
where safety is found
and my fear is gone
while my future ahead
plays out to old songs
where lingering hurt
is the past and now ended
where hope covers wounds
as the new learning mends it
it's where riddles reveal
simple twists of fate
and time slows down
as love conquers hate
where grains of sand
become tears of sorrow
cried for yesterdays
giving birth to tomorrow
it's where you exist
yet somehow, I do not
and villains are vanquished
in hard battles fought
where heroes on steeds
their swords raised high
swiftly race to the aid
of my weak plaintive cries
where night begets day
as my dark becomes light
within sleep, I am freed
from all my fruitless plights
in this soft sanctuary
in this warm place to hide
within my vision quest
where like-souls collide
on white angel wings
in my dreams...

...I can fly.


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The Hurt


Come sit with me for a story
It will be short;
maybe boring
I'm well aware I should keep
my mouth shut

but I've decided I want to
let you see what I know
and they don't
and if you listen real close,
then you'll know

I'm hiding inside
All the hurt that don't show

I always laugh when I'm cryin
act like a fool
when I'm dying
and always hoping the hurt
just won't show
I'm always scared
yes, I'm lying
to myself that I'm fine, and
don't you see...
you're my friend
if I tell you?
there's nothing left here but me
...and she's gone, too.

Don't worry 'bout me for saying
and there's no blame
that I'm laying
I swear there's nothing
to take on yourself

I make my rules when I switch
system default,
it's a bitch
cuz if I tell you that I'm
feeling pain

you'll notice that I'm not ok...

because I own what I do
while I'm still broken in two

I always laugh when I'm cryin
act like a fool
as I'm dying
I'm always hoping the hurt
just won't show
I'm always scared
yes, I'm lying
to myself that I'm fine, and
don't you see...
...when I tell you?
there's nothing left here but me
...and she's gone, too.


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20,000 Leagues Under the Me

Dive into my treacherous ocean
and swim within my turqoise sea
brave the rushing waves, the undertow
to find the rare and truest part of me

Sometimes steady and often relentless
in the silent calm before the storm
my foam will lazily lap in repetition
against inviting soft and sandy shores

But go farther out, and you can open sail
and look to conquer this hidden mighty sea
set your compass point to the darker water
where the madness, the monster roams free

In the powerful tempest of my inner chaos
she lives and breathes fury, swimming faster
under black misty night her lighting will strike
as thunder booms out, "I have no master!"

A siren call will draw you to my core
look closely and follow the starry night
the rough and untamed waters will heave
but if you steer the steady clipper right

The map will lead to my heart's infinity
where you can reach the vortex within my blue
port the ship toward my angry maelstrom
where the eye of my hurricane can see you

Defiantly set down your anchor without care
as a swarthy marauder, with arrogant flair
seek out the lored beast lurking just underneath
you will find a mere tiny mermaid there


An Invisible Hurt

sometimes lately
the words, just escape me
and all there is to do
is to feel
but I cant let you know
I'm embarassed
to have it show
on the outside of me
on the visible canvas
of my heart
I can turn off the sound
turn down the mic
and grapple
with my emotions
and weep silently inside
I can toss black paint
on my masterpiece
and delete the text
and refuse to speak
while I listen to the world
unaffected
laugh loudly around me
somehow it's a comfort
when Im numb,
and still crying
I'm raw, yet refined
invisible but defined
I'm dying
yet I'm living
and where will you be?
Soon...gone
no longer there for me
and theres nothing to be done
and nothing to be said
nothing left
inside my head
but the lonely rest
....that just is

Acceptance

I beg to give
a word of advice
to a cynical society
please consider
acceptance
to be a gift
and tolerance
to be a virtue
if you can wrap yourself
around
the ideal
raise your fabled
quixotic sword
and with a haughty cry
say
I shall love it all.
I will accept
the many faults...
I will embrace
the good
and within sight
of the entirety
I will count this person
acceptable
after all
If you can dare
to dream
of a place
where the norm
can change
if you ride the steed
and cry out
I will live inside utopia!
and to damned
with what is
supposedly
...unacceptable
the irony
of this apparent
foolishness
is that strength
begins
it grows from within
and
we all can become
the hero
the unstoppable force
And perhaps...
the world's windmill
can indeed
be chased
and conquered
afterall

An Ordinary Heart

among all
the trappings
of an extraordinary life
I found
I had merely
an ordinary heart
beating fast
when I'd run
and slow
when I stopped
God built it
with hope
and my mother
made it soft
it pushed love
with the last beat
and joy
with it's start
it cried out
in despair
if it was
ripped apart
mine could break
into pieces
but with string
it could mend
and it shuddered
with hope
and ached
now and again
it was my own
worst enemy
as oft as
best friend
it would leap
with my laugh
and could bear
or could bend
mine could hear
and could see
often worn
on my sleeve
it was
the very worst
and the best
part of me
it self defined
could render me blind
and won
mighty battles
with my mind
it could be
your gift
or stay mine
but was always
the real thing
deep inside
yes mine could bleed
just like
yours bleeds
it could love more
than hate feeds
and it could harden
or be set free
see,
just like yours
mine was
ordinary

GUESS WHAT?

MY KIDS (that's plural)  GOT INTO THE T.A.G. PROGRAM

*excessive celebration commences*
I just had to share this poem a friend of mine on facebook wrote...he is so cool. He wrote me in it! So trippindicular! :-D

A Story, Remembrances of A Delirious Mind
Poem by Robert Mendez Jr.

Call me Roy,
or so I told a girl
and from a fevered mind
I spoke…

In a Global Economy
As Camoy would say, and one day would define
And by design I paraphrase and take liberties with
an idea of riches the idea of money
An ambiguous construct which is at best cryptic
Strategic Core activities which include
Innovation a notion of improvement
Finance, the science of providing
and of course the management of the corporate
Organism
Functioning, replicating
On a planetary scale in reeeeeeeal
time.

In pursuit of…
What?
That eventually everything will taste like
chicken.
That I could be in
San Francisco, Prague, Madrid, Paris, or London
but seeming as if I just stepped out the door.
Divested of all diversity
To each his own a clone of a clone of a
clone
on and on the pendulum swings
And I hear Metric sing…
Is it ever gonna be enough.

Someone, please get me some
Medicine
I’ll take the red pill
Subscribe to the philosophy
Inscribed in the
Book of The Friend
Where Sister Decklar simply states,
but as always
I paraphrase
McFuckit,
chickmcinfuckit my chickmcnugget  (LOL!!!)
And stick it in the McRibit
Kick It as you would…
A Twinkie,
Yeah…
That’s the ticket
and squish it
Between your fingers
But don’t lick it
cause it’s
Tainted
Tainted with the sugary blandness
McGoogle it,
imagine NEO…
Kung-Fu grip it
Pa Kua Chang, Baguazhang followed by
Fu tou tui.
A never ending
spinning
whirling Mevlevi Dervish
to the tune
of Paradise Circus.
I’m commin Home,
I hear the lady sing…

“It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm,
we can roll ourselves over 'cause we're uncomfortable
Oh well the devil makes us sin
But we like it when we're spinning, in his grin…”

I’ll sleep to ease this pain…
The world is spinning, spinning
Spinning.

The Groove

my sweet abyss
the soft harmony
a rise to
my challenge
to conquer
and silence me
an able right
to my many wrongs
the words
and rythm
of my songs
the solace once sought
for a mind
that never stops

an ache
in my chest
and the calm
for my unrest
a finer,
truer measure
to judge me best
an echo
that repeats my soul
a missing piece
that makes me whole
the angle and axis
of my spinning globe

a guide
for my drive
the temperance
for my pride
the haven of safety
in which I can hide
a gentle push
that I seem to require
and everything
I need, desire
my leap of faith
as I walk across this fire
my question
the answer
and the level higher

the very best
that I'll ever know
the solid earth
in which I can grow
a hand grasping mine
that won't let go
the truth I tell
and lies that I won't
the old me, remade anew
my tenacity
a will
to improve
this needle skipping
in my groove

it is you...

it is you...

it is you...

A Very Recent Darkness

A very recent darkness
pushed me to a new awakening
of how far I have come
so I examined and embraced it
then about faced to the sun

I saw inside that empty black
my every need and every lack
faced the adbsurdity of my own smack
enough's enough I said
and then
I gathered force and clapped my hands

I chose to change the strain
I turned my back to it
myself renamed
said it aloud but only to myself this time
I became
my redefinition

you want me broken
I can tell
you need me broken
but I'm sorry
I can't breathe that hell even one more day
be the fragile flower
for who's sake?
I cannot waste
my power to quicken your need
to be my mother
to be the only lifeline I will seek
my every step away
from you
I bleed
but I don't die
sad by your distance
but I don't cry
I know you need me broken
don't say you don't
save me all your stoic pride
I've had enough
to be my guide here on my own

and I don't blame you if you call me foolish
say I'm stupid
say I'm wrong
but I'm not asking for your opinion
and I'm not writing you this song

I'm writing for me!

This girl is stronger than the poet
you can covet
weeping enlessly for nothing
a fragile flower
kept in glass
I smash it down
I pluck my pretty petals out

and I still need you
but not enough to seethe my ache
to you for free
you may not like it
but I've decided
to be what I want
without your guidance

I can change without your succor
I'll be just fine
you're not my mother
I'm doing fine
and no, I'm not insane
in fact
its not for you to say at all

you haven't been there
to form an opinion
so don't you dare try to call me broken!
don't you dare
form those words in reference to me!
keep it to yourself

...you do your thing

The Game

If all those bad decisions
jumped into juxteposition
would I be happier with where I am?
I really doubt it

If every stumble these feet made
had not sent me crashing to the fray
would I be standing tall right now?
I surely doubt it

Who can say which turn to take
who can prove which path to choose
who can ultimately make the call
on if you're safe or if you loose
who can make their hard decisions
without negative consequences
who can live a life devoid of hurt or pain?
surely that's not how the game
was ever meant to be played

No one is perfect
not even you
not even me

But I am gladly
stepping up to bat again
not irked a bit by my score suffering
every time I'm here I get much closer
to hitting it to the outfield

watch me hit it
look for me to win it
across the home plate
if you can catch me
I'd be surprised
but I dare you to try
to beat me there just one more time
I'm in the game
to play it
as your opponent
or your component
all I ask is own it
use me to your best descretion
friend
but in the end
I'll still be running
the bases

With or without you
I play the game

a rainbow against shades of grey

there was a night
not so long ago
where I laid there in my bed
my dog curled up on the floor beside me
and the wind brushing ominous whiskers
on the cracked and perspiring glass
of my bedroom window

i remember how alone i felt
he was gone
and all my dreams i had built up
everything i wanted
had left with him
i knew my life would change
and the thought left me sick inside
a ball of twisted pain
and regret
and failure

and as the tv set at the foot of a bed
that i once shared with him
glowed in the everlasting darkness
of what my life had become
as the turmoil and chaos
waited for me
just outside my bedroom door
i felt hope leave me
my heart exhaled its last wracking breath
and with the death rattle
i gave up on myself

since then, my life did change
into a day by day routine
of coping with the loss of dreams
never glowing with life
never darkened with excessive pain
no, just a set of motions
automatonic actions
as i completed what was needed
only able to do the bare minimum
to keep life moving on
just a squirrel trying to get a nut
without hope

my zest for living life was gone
people moved in and out of my world
like revolving shades of grey
ghostly sources
of meager comfort to me
but my heart knew that my dreams
would still never happen
and as the days soldiered on
i realized
i just didnt care anymore

until someone, quite unexpectedly
painted a rainbow
on my dark and cloudy sky
and dared me to think
to dream
to hope
to start over and live again
because if this isnt the end of dreaming
and if..if maybe he
was out there
then perhaps i hadn't lost everything
afterall
and maybe he's the one i was waiting for
...not the one i lost
and maybe
i wouldn't have to accept
a less extraordinary life

and even though
i know its a long shot
hes a shooting star
and im just me
but even so...
i felt the desire grow
to give the hail mary pass
in the chaos
and break through the traffic
and i might loose
but also..just maybe i will win
so whether i catch his shooting star
or not
just the possibility that i could...is enough
to give spark
to the cold dead embers of my will
to try to achive it

and when i set my mind
my heart in motion
i give my all
because i feel ...hopeful
that beautiful feeling alone
is far better destiny
than the apathy
ive slowly become
adapted to

Twilight Zone

I swear.

My life is so cosmically unfair. Here I am. Trying to sleep. In a dark peaceful house all by myself...and I am absolutely thwarted. Why?

Because I'm missing my kids driving me nuts, and when this house is empty...I feel empty too.

Because I'm burnt out on creativity. I've never written so much poetry at one setting and it emotionally drains me.

Because my ex husband has been doing his best to keep any possbility of me sleeping from ever coming to fruition. I mean, I'm sure he realizes I'm trying to sleep. Yet I keep getting his silly self congradulatory texts messages describing his spaghetti he made tonight. I drift off..then zap. drift off...zap. It makes me want to cry a little. And yet, on the flip side of that, I know he thinks I don't mind his messages. He's probably right. In some weird way it keeps me company I suppose. *sigh* but it makes me reminisce and that's not really good for my sleep either.

and lastly,

Because I can't help but wonder if I've pissed someone off. I wouldn't blame him. I just want to smack myself sometimes and go wtf Jeanne? I wish I could get the ache I feel to go away. I've been trying to just ignore it, but I can't and it's pissing me off. I'm all mixed up inside now. I thought I had my universe all figured out and I was happy in general with my life. Now I've opened myself up to this ...thing...and now here we go....and fuck if I haven't tried to shut it off- even just to test whether or not it's the real thing. It won't shut off...no instead it gnaws at me. I have no clue how to mediate the raw intensity of what ever the hell this is. And no clue what's going on in his head either. It sucks to be constantly questioning what you say, what you do...who you are. Am I still pretty? Do I look old? Would any of my insecurty even matter? Probably not. But then again...? and then the worst fear- pressure. Did I apply too much? I know I'm feeling his. See? It takes me down this path where I can really squick myself. I've been well seasoned with matters like this, and yet I am an uber idiot around this one person. So what in the hell is my problem?

My problem? Loss of autonomy.

It's lack of control. I hate not being in control.

Emotions. I exert control over them, so that they cannot rule me. See, my life was so much simpler when I just didn't let myself have any of them to begin with. A week ago I was blissfully unaware of any of this ...stuff. And now? I'm a flaming ball of angst.

For that reason alone, I both adore this, and yet also deeply hate how I feel right now all at the same time.

Ultimate Rediculousity

Its super high velocity
my gross rediculosity
a monstrous superflous fiend
with frenzied stressed ability
a hyperkinetic extroverted introspective
cornucopia of tumulting verbiage
set on hyperactive speed
etched in existentialisms
it springs to act out the waxed fanaticism
that compels the over verbose thing to yell
these ranting raving spells
yes, it's the ultimate
in jarring wit
and I'd stop it if I gave a shit
about the loser prose composer overdosing text
'til sprawled upon the throne
in fits of verbalizing vapid
vomitous extremes, she quits!!
Christ Allmighty!...She finally fucking quits!
My vast rediculosity
is super high viscocity
the depth and breadth of what it thinks it needs
to express itself is too extreme
so with a lumenescent and effervescent
bubbling spring of wordy glee
it fails to contain the overabundent
acts of eager tenancity
My willful rediculosity
..is AWESOME! when its frothing,
spitting lies
and now it's New and Improved and sold in Grande size
and it's freaking fan-fucking-tastic, drastic ultramatic
supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, Dammit!!
engergized with new Warp 9 and phasers set to stun
and built for fun now Ludicrous Speed drive!
thank you drive through
yes it comes with curly fries or wings
or tasty cheese hyperboles
full of pining whining soliloqies
of an overactive imagination
on an idealistic word shopping spree
The verse is filmed in audastic 3-D aspect
for action-packed and plastic IMAX screens
all programmed remotely by MMPORG playing geeks
Can you believe this is how I speak?
look how it matches my frustration level
my impulsive total lack of self control
it melts the metal
an unshackled mess it's taking over
city highrise slate skyscrapers
better shoot it down with planes
For shame! I can't complain or tame
the beast that holds the pen
I mean I probably could, but then
it just wouldn't feel right if I blamed it
and denied the world quick subjucation
under deplorable excessive quantities
of my precious self expressive honesty?
my ultimate rediculosity
would like to thank itself and you
for supporting troops of overwhelming force
in military occupationand undermedication
of my mouth, my hands
enabling tempestuous feats, demands
egredious misuse of words we speak,
written down on sheets
Slipped out from the cage
it's loose but sadly, see
no use trying to catch it, trust me
I can't shut it's mouth...its so frustrating
they need to be freed
because the words are me
they need to be freed
because the words are me

Crazy

I really am crazy
about you
because ...damn.
there are so many reasons
I really don't know
how to put it
another way
my crazy words
tumble out instead
of rationaled smart living
I only know I have to put them down
right here
right now
let it in quick
then get it out
Or I really will go nuts
someday
please don't fret
this is my way
bleeding out art
when the muse gives sway
and you'd better believe
...you sway me
and let wild and untamed thoughts
run amok
run rampant
run their course
insanity?
maybe
in all honesty
I don't care
I like to spin here
dancing
twirling my hair
examing feeling
glorifying
everything
using text to paint
my crazy insane heart
upon the world
I can't help it
I need this type of
disposition
to sink into life
turn around
then turn the meaning
inside out
My muse shifts round
to match my mood
and I'd love to really share
my fear
that my brief flirting
with my sadness
led me right back here
I'm really crazy
insanely mad
about you
it didn't dissapear
I feel elation at this
realization
that my happiness is
still right here
so please forgive this tendency
I like to ponder
to think about you endlessly
or it may seem that way
sometimes
that's just my mind
acting on inspiration
I have to heed the call
because if I don't give this muse my all
then I'm no artist
I'm just crazy
so put up with
my foolish word gluts
don't feel worried
I won't cut off my ear
so never fear
underneath my oozing crazy
there's a fine sane woman here
I really don't know
how to put it
another way
so if you'd understand me
pretty please
because I really am
crazy
about you
and
I'm no fool


...I just can't help it

Island of Herself

crippled with fear
she wanders out here
the soft sandy beach
beneath her feet
alone in thoughts
she knows she ought not
but she can't help herself
when she's out here alone
she has to keep occupied.
like a moth to flame
she burns in her pain
adoring her own agony
til she goes insane
she 'makes love to the half empty glass'
in her heart
then dissects each part
and when she is done
she returns to the start
and repeats
and repeats
reinflicting the wounds
to hear her heart beat
as if she needs pain
to remind herself
why she's out here again
it's been like this
always on this beach
ever since she was marooned
on this island of herself
a long time ago...

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